A New Era: Post 1

I have a confession: I've been putting off writing.

Over the past 5 years, writing has become less and less a part of my life, and I'm realizing more and more that it's something I need. 

I used to be an extremely reflective person. I prided myself on my introspection and as a result, I was more intellectual, patient, empathetic, open, and relaxed. I think I was a better person because of it.

Now I'm impatient, with little time for wasted minutes, and feeling like I'm pressed for all the time. You know how people recommend meditation for health? To slow down in a sped-up world? That's what writing is to me. Mental yoga. And I do it about as often as I do yoga. Not often enough.

There was a simple question in my Spark Notebook yesterday, and it made me think--as it should. That's what I paid for. It asked:

What have you been putting off lately?

Inexplicably, it made me sad. And, I had a rare amount of time that I had time to reflect on why. 

It's because there has been so much that I've been putting off. I started making lists (because apparently that's all my mind has time to do now):

• Research to write a new Machform Policy
• Developing guidelines for the implementation and usage of Slack at work
• Taking time to make documentation for proper training of new employees
• Taking time to train all employees on best practices for data governance
• Writing my direct report's Annual Performance Review (I must be 8 months past-due now)

And they started moving away from work-related tasks to personal ones:

• Signing up for my 401K
• Updating my resume and looking for my next career move
• Researching new cars to replace an ailing Zee
• Paying my speeding tickets off (I was never late--I just pushed it to the limit.)
• Washing my sheets
• Cleaning my room
• Writing my sister an off-to-college letter

And then to hobbies and personal growth/happiness:

• Taking classes to learn new things 
• Visiting my best friends on the East Coast while they're still over there
• Traveling abroad (and applying for a new passport)
• Writing
• Yoga
• Playing Volleyball
• Working out
• Blogging
• Watching TEDtalks
• Visiting friends
• Playing Video Games

And slowly, the lists got more intangible:

• Socializing
• Laughing
• Learning
• Discussing
• Debating
• Meditating
• Thinking
• Dreaming
• Creating
• Forgiving
• Remembering
• Growing

The odd thing about that last list is that those are ALSO things that I was once good at, that I don't feel good at anymore. I'm out of practice. I don't have those habits anymore. And it has turned me into a very grumpy, isolated, cynical human. 

I would very much like to change that. 

For the past three years as a project manager my mindset has changed in ways that I can't explain, and I'm less and less of the creator I once saw myself as. I've made my brain too much of a structured place. A place that always need to remember what's next. A place that is ALL work, and very little play. And it makes me a very good employee. But not exactly a happy human, and I'm struggling to balance the two. 

I've seen what that sort of mentality did to my dad, and it's not a mindset I want to battle as I get older. Of course, there are a lot of other factors that have helped my Dad get to the place he is today, but I feel like his place of employment is one of the larger ones to blame, and a source of much of his frustration.

I want writing to be my safe place again. I want it to be my source of creativity. I want it to challenge me where I don't feel like I'm being challenged in life. I want it to fill me with happiness and humanity. So I'm going to attempt to make it a habit again. I'm going to try my best to write as often as I can, and try to stick to it. And for now, I'm going to give myself rules to turn this into a habit. For now, I plan to refrain from editing--because I have at least 6 drafts that have been sitting there for three years that I never published. I'm going to time myself. (I've been at this for about an hour), and I'm going to force myself to publish whatever I have at the end of my writing session. 

If I've learned anything since college, it's that time is a precious commodity, and that while they say that you can always make time for a thing, it means you need to sacrifice time with something else. Today, I have done yoga, made breakfast, written a whole blog post, and I'm going to head to volleyball for two hours now. 

Today is my day, and I plan to feel good at the end of it. No more putting things off.